My great adventure began when I was 11 years old, I began to write to free, and to exorcise myself from a platonic love that was crying out for me to let it out.
But at this time, exactly on my birthday, my great grandfather passed away. Maybe for a girl of that age to start questioning death can be a little traumatic but for me, it was not. I wanted to know more. Why do we die? What happens next? What comes next? Are we still living in this world in spirit? Are we ghosts? What is the soul? What does it feel like to leave the physical body? Are we looking at ourselves the moment we die?
All that was going through my head in a matter of seconds as I sat watching people go by and observed the cold body of my great-grandfather. And in the background, he had prepared a cassette with conversations about death and his legacy. Seeing that image put me more into a trance. Even today I can smell the flowers surrounding his coffin.
So important we believe we are and look how we all end. Cold in a wooden coffin, without being able to move. We care so much about material things, and where is all that when we die?
I remember walking through the cemetery and seeing so many graves. One next to the other. You could see the niches, all stacked on top of each other. And finally, some underground ones, which to the delight of the visitor who goes down the narrow stairs you can grab ahold of them (I call them mini tombs)
So yes, you have to go grabbing the graves.
Imagine going down to that dark place, full of small tombstones in the shape of shoeboxes one on top of the other. Some were forgotten by time, others beautifully decorated with cute plastic flowers a little long gone by the years. While those that did have natural flowers are already in the process of becoming dark, just as the life of the one whose 'home' they decorated today.
That smell of stagnant water, that sweet smell of flowers and a mixture of I don't know what, it was the perfect landscape for a horror movie. But I was just thinking, this is where we land? Just there.
"Will my grandchildren remember me?", I asked myself, "and my great-grandchildren?" They will leave me lying as the graves I was seeing that had not been visited for a long time. I felt so sorry for that, I felt sorry for it. But when you die, does that matter to you?
More beautiful was the image of just turning my back and observing a lady who very adorably cleaning the small niche and to my joy, I could see a white cloth bag where the remains of her loved one rested. This one with a huge silver cross on its holdings.
That marked me for life. Sometimes it gives me the creeps, but it is reality. That is the law and the law must be followed.
So why call my book "Buscando la Nada" (Looking for Nothing)? Because after so many years, after searching and reading how many books I could. Of three hundred classes of catechism, after basing myself and feeling very affiliated with what is metaphysics. After learning from Osho, learning Reiki, redecorating my entire house Feng Shui style, meditating, watching Umbanda parties, and idolizing Saint Germain and his violet flame, I have concluded that I will never be satisfied.
That desire, to want to know everything and to ask me why have taken me to so many points and places. I have seen and heard so many things. I have learned, I have absorbed as much information as I could, only to know that, this search never ends. It is endless, it is nothing.
Like every good girl, I was raised under the Catholic religion, but as many would say, today I have my religion. I have a little bit of all of them, but I follow my own beliefs.
That's the good thing when you are open to different options when you want to learn a little bit of everything. You are more flexible and by being more flexible you understand and respect the ideas and beliefs of others much more. Why? Because you are so hungry to learn and to know more and more, that you just accept it as it is. And by accepting you are learning.
For example, I am not a Buddhist, but I have read, searched, and talked to people who breathe these beliefs. What it did to me was that I learned, knew, and accepted. I have a little bit of all of them. And I continue wanting more. I know it's not over yet because I'm still looking and I don't know what it is that this search leads me to keep looking, to keep asking myself so many things. I say to myself, 'Oh wow I have so much to go!'
What I mean by looking for nothing, is that I feel that this search for something, this search for my being, is such a big hole, that it leads me to raise the fact that I just have to let myself go. Let the current carry me away. I do not know where I am going, I do not know but I do know that it is the most beautiful place of all, where I will finally have peace. Where I will find no more fears, no more frustrations, there will be no hatred, no jealousy, no sadness. No more mixed feelings, no more soul sorrow. That for me is my nothing. And that's where I'm heading.
Will you join me?
**Introduction of "Buscando la Nada", which can be found here.